It's been three weeks already since I come to the US. Do you know the feelings of expecting something going to happen to you? It's the kind of feeling in between certainty and uncertainty. You are certain that you will go through something while you don't really know what exactly will happen.
And one day, all of a sudden, that expectation became realized. You are like:" wow, it's here, it is really here."
I knew that I would feel difficult after moving to this new world. However I had no clue what difficulties I would encounter.
This morning I went to a Christian church. In the beginning they had a musical band performing. Some Godly music. The lyric was something like: Come down. Come down on me my Lord..... Actually they sang several different songs with all of the beautiful lyric. I was in touch with the music, and recalled the challenges I met for the past couple of days, and I had tears in my eyes.
It is still mysterious to me how I got here. I didn't speak any English until when I was 19. I kept my patriotism by disagreeing with the idea of pursuing higher education in the western countries - that is what my college friends were making a lot of efforts for. I never know what event is the significant one, what moment is the turning point, but 7 years later - now, I am here in this country of freedom.
The Bible instructor in this morning was talking about Jesus' saying: only those who are born again can come to my kingdom. Something like that. I know deeply from my heart that I was reborn, and after that I come here to have a new life.
I was such a dependent individual when I was in my hometown. But last night I had a dream of witnessing the dependent part of me killing himself. I was so scared.
And when I woke up, I felt sorrowful instead of feeling scared.
My good friend Daniel made a comment: you should thank this good friend for his self-sacrifice. And don't forget about him ever.
It's such a bittersweet process. To grow up.
Be stronger. And be more independent. I heard the call.